Helping Loved Ones Through Infertility
Infertility is a journey no one expects to take, yet it impacts 1 in 8 couples. For those on the outside—family, friends, and loved ones—it can be hard to know how to help. What should you say? What shouldn’t you say? Personally, I am one of the “1 in 8.”
As a therapist, I’ve seen how infertility can strain relationships, deepen feelings of isolation, and test even the strongest support systems. Let’s talk about how you can be a source of comfort, understanding, and strength during this challenging time.
1. Listen More, Talk Less
Infertility is deeply personal, and every person experiences it differently. The best thing you can do is create a space for them to share their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment.
What to do: Say things like, “I’m here if you want to talk,” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen.”
What to avoid: Offering advice like, “Just relax, and it will happen.” While well-intentioned, such comments can minimize their struggle - and honestly- drive them absolutely crazy.
2. Educate Yourself About Infertility
Understanding the emotional, physical, and financial toll of infertility can help you empathize better. Learn the basics of infertility treatments, but remember: you’re not there to be an expert.
Why it matters: When you’re informed, you’re less likely to unintentionally say something hurtful, like assuming they can "just adopt" or question why they’re pursuing a specific treatment.
3. Respect Their Boundaries
Not everyone will want to discuss their infertility journey, and that’s okay. Respect their need for privacy.
What to do: Follow their lead on how much they want to share. If they don’t bring it up, don’t push them to talk.
What to avoid: Asking intrusive questions like, “How much is all this costing you?” or “Whose fault is it?”
4. Avoid Toxic Positivity
While positivity has its place, phrases like, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “At least you’re still young!” can feel dismissive. Infertility is a loss—of expectations, timelines, and sometimes pregnancies—and it’s okay to acknowledge that pain.
What to do: Say, “It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or frustrated. I’m here for you.”
5. Be Mindful of Milestones and Social Media
Pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and Mother’s Day celebrations can be incredibly triggering. While you shouldn’t tiptoe around your own joy, be sensitive about how it’s shared.
What to do: If you’re close, consider sharing big news privately before a public announcement so they can process it in their own time. I had a friend get pregnant during our struggle with infertility - she invited me over for breakfast and told me in person before she blasted it on her social media. That was one of the most thoughtful gestures - and I was ecstatic for her!
What to avoid: Tagging them in baby-related posts or assuming they’ll attend every family baby event.
6. Offer Practical Help
Infertility treatments can be exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Small gestures of support can mean a lot.
What to do: Offer to cook a meal, run errands, or just spend time with them in a way that feels normal and unrelated to their journey.
What to avoid: Assuming they want constant distraction. Some days they might, other days they might just need space.
7. Acknowledge Their Partner’s Experience
Infertility impacts both partners, even if only one is undergoing treatments or experiencing medical challenges. Don’t forget to check in on both people in the relationship.
8. Be Patient and Flexible
This journey can last months or years, and emotions will ebb and flow. Your loved one may cancel plans last-minute or seem distant at times. Try not to take it personally.
9. Know When to Encourage Professional Help
If your loved one seems overwhelmed, hopeless, or withdrawn for long periods, gently suggest they consider seeing a therapist or joining a support group. Infertility is tough, and professional help can make a difference.
10. Remind Them They’re Not Alone
The struggle with infertility can feel isolating, but knowing they have someone in their corner can make all the difference. Your presence, patience, and kindness can be a light in an otherwise dark time.
Final Thoughts
Supporting someone through infertility isn’t about saying the perfect thing; it’s about being there. As a therapist, I’ve seen how powerful understanding and just holding space for someone can be in the healing process. If you’re unsure of how to help, start with this: Show up, listen, and let them know you care. Sometimes, that’s all they really need.
Have you supported someone through infertility or experienced it yourself? Share your insights in the comments—your words might be exactly what someone else needs to hear.